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♪♪ [theme]

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MULCAHY:
And we all give thanks

3
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for getting us
through another day

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without too much trouble.

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WOMAN: Mmm, you're
such a good kisser.

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HAWKEYE: Grandfather
left me his lips.

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He died in mid-pucker.

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TRAPPER: You sure
she's not coming back?

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WOMAN:
She's with Hawkeye.

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Oh, then it should be a while.
He's very thorough.

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MARGARET:
Oh, Frank, without you,

12
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my intellectual life
would absolutely stagnate.

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FRANK: How does
this snap open?

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Halt!

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-Who goes there?
-Out of the way, Klinger.

16
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I've got to have
the password, Colonel.

17
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Bull feathers.

18
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That was last
week's password.

19
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I don't remember
the damn password!

20
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Then I can't let
you pass, sir.

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-Klinger.
-Sir?

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If I don't get
to the latrine,

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something's going to happen

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that hasn't happened
since I was six.

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If that happens, Corporal,
you'll be in the army

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until you're a little,
old whatever-you-are

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in correction shoes
and support stockings.

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-Now blow!
-Yes, sir!

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-It's here.
-Great.

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Okay, get the
penicillin first.

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Right.

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I'm afraid I'll have to
take a rain check, Margaret.

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Well, it's early, Frank.

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-Was it something I s--
-No.

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I think they're fooling around
with my coffee again.

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I got it.

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Go! Cut!

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Stop!

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I said stop!

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-Somebody, stop!
-MAN: [shouting]

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[whistling]

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What the-- Who the--

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Klinger!

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You better stop.

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Klinger, fire for help!

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My purse is stuck
in the trigger!

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Back!

48
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Look, uh, you can
have the gun, fella.

49
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Yeah, the army's
got dozens of 'em.

50
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Let's not have
any shooting.

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Isn't there one
man among you?

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The job's open,
Margaret.

53
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What's all the hoo-ha?

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[grunting, groaning]

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-Good work, Klinger.
-Thank you, sir.

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-Fastest fur in the West.
-MAN: Ohh.

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Does anybody
know who he is?

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[chatter]

59
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Okay, people,
I'll deal with this.

60
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No need for a mob scene.

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I don't know.
Seven against one seems fair.

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[rifle cocks]

63
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It's still seven
against one.

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What do you got here?
What is this?

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TRAPPER:
No broken bones,
no infection.

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You don't need
penicillin.

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You was certainly
stealing enough of it.

68
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Is there a plague someplace
we don't know anything about?

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You know,
the new black market
price on that stuff

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is 50 bucks a pop.

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Maybe we oughta
sell all we have

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and pay North Korea
to throw the war.

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That hurt?

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[sighs]

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Cat's got his tongue.

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Or he sold it.

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Anything goes
with you kids, huh?

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A guy told me about a sergeant
down in Seoul the other day.

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Sold his jeep

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while his major was
asleep in the back seat.

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Yeah? How much are they
getting for used majors?

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Shall we sell Hot Lips
and find out?

83
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Too much mileage on her.

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Cut these things
longer, will you?

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They're supposed
to be this short.

86
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No, they're not.

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Now, look here,
uh, Corporal, uh...

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Perkins,

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we don't care if
you and your buddies

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sell the 38th parallel
for profit.

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But penicillin is vital
to our war effort.

92
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We're not gonna let
some patient die

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just because you wanna steal
your way through college.

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I didn't sell the stuff.

95
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All right, then,
why'd you take it?

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I got my reasons.

97
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Such as?

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What outfit are you with?

99
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Who were those
two other guys?

100
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I don't have to tell
you anything.

101
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Well, you're certainly
doing a good job of it.

102
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You're not leaving
here, Perkins,

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until we get to
the bottom of this.

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Call MacArthur.
Have my discharge canceled.

105
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[whistling
"Sailor's Hornpipe"]

106
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-Colonel?
-Yo.

107
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-Someone to see you, sir.
-Not now, Radar.

108
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I just got in some new Picassos
from Bloomington, Illinois.

109
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Well, it's a Captain Goldberg.
A Jewish rabbi.

110
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Well, you can't hardly
find the other kind.

111
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-Colonel Blake.
-Oh, uh, Captain Rabbi.

112
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Are we alone?

113
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Well, except for us.

114
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It's me--
Colonel Flagg, C.I.A.

115
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Colonel Flagg?
I thought--

116
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Call me Goldberg.
Captain Goldberg.

117
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Captain Goldberg
Colonel Flagg?

118
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It's my cover.

119
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As far as anyone knows,
I'm a Jewish chaplain.

120
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You got that, son?

121
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Uh, yes, Your Hebrewness.

122
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You caught a thief
last night.

123
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Well, just the old
4077th on the stick.

124
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He was stealing
penicillin.

125
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The theft of penicillin
is getting out of hand.

126
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Well, you might
say there's been

127
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a rash of
penicillin thefts.

128
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[chuckling]

129
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That's a good one.

130
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It's sort of a joke.

131
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We don't joke
in the C.I.A.

132
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Check.

133
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Leave the jokes
to the Kremlin.

134
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Double check.

135
00:08:17,453 --> 00:08:19,977
Now, where's
Corporal Perkins?

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Colonel, that's not his name.
Captain.

137
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What does that mean?

138
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Well, I ran down
his dog tags.

139
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Turns out they belong
to an infantryman--

140
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Perkins, Charles P.

141
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Killed in action
about a month ago.

142
00:08:32,120 --> 00:08:33,904
Uh-huh.

143
00:08:33,948 --> 00:08:37,386
Now, why would he use
a different name?

144
00:08:37,429 --> 00:08:39,519
Maybe he's C.I.A.

145
00:08:39,562 --> 00:08:41,564
No, I'm Perkins
in the C.I.A.

146
00:08:41,608 --> 00:08:43,087
Oh.

147
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Whoever he is,
I'm taking him

148
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with me tonight,
Colonel.

149
00:08:46,003 --> 00:08:47,570
Well, uh, let me
see if he's able.

150
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I want him.
That makes him able.

151
00:08:49,833 --> 00:08:51,748
I know, but there may
be medical reasons.

152
00:08:51,792 --> 00:08:52,967
Don't cross me, Colonel.

153
00:08:53,010 --> 00:08:54,969
We know where your
family lives.

154
00:08:55,012 --> 00:08:57,972
Hey, I'm an American,
too, fella.

155
00:08:58,015 --> 00:08:59,495
Yeah.

156
00:08:59,539 --> 00:09:01,105
Quiet, or I'll use you
to clean a cannon.

157
00:09:01,149 --> 00:09:03,412
Yes, sir.

158
00:09:03,455 --> 00:09:07,764
Now, what time
can I have him?

159
00:09:07,808 --> 00:09:09,461
Perkins?

160
00:09:11,115 --> 00:09:12,421
Uh, here you go, sir.

161
00:09:12,464 --> 00:09:13,988
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.

162
00:09:14,031 --> 00:09:15,729
You just get this signed
by the attending doctors

163
00:09:15,772 --> 00:09:17,339
Pierce and McIntyre.

164
00:09:17,382 --> 00:09:19,907
Pierce and McIntyre.

165
00:09:19,950 --> 00:09:20,908
Uh-huh.

166
00:09:20,951 --> 00:09:22,779
Oh, yes.

167
00:09:25,216 --> 00:09:27,001
Red marks next
to their names?

168
00:09:27,044 --> 00:09:29,090
Unfriendlies.

169
00:09:29,133 --> 00:09:31,048
Yellow next to mine?

170
00:09:31,092 --> 00:09:32,354
Work on it.

171
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HAWKEYE: Okay, all right,
what do you want?

172
00:09:38,447 --> 00:09:39,491
Pierce, sign this.

173
00:09:39,535 --> 00:09:40,928
What is this?

174
00:09:40,971 --> 00:09:42,494
It's a release
of a prisoner.

175
00:09:42,538 --> 00:09:43,844
I can't sign this.

176
00:09:43,887 --> 00:09:45,410
I thought it was
to have you committed.

177
00:09:45,454 --> 00:09:47,108
You'd better put
your name on it.

178
00:09:47,151 --> 00:09:48,762
I've got enough on you to have
you thrown out of the army.

179
00:09:48,805 --> 00:09:50,415
Is that a promise?

180
00:09:50,459 --> 00:09:52,113
You could do with a
little rest, Chaplain.

181
00:09:52,156 --> 00:09:55,203
Soft bed, soft chair,
soft walls.

182
00:09:55,246 --> 00:09:57,074
What's that crack
supposed to mean?

183
00:09:57,118 --> 00:09:59,381
Oh, come on, Flagg, relax.
Have a drink.

184
00:09:59,424 --> 00:10:01,122
-I'm not Flagg.
-Mm.

185
00:10:01,165 --> 00:10:02,819
I'm Captain Goldberg.

186
00:10:02,863 --> 00:10:05,648
Sorry, Rabbi Goldberg.
L'chaim.

187
00:10:05,692 --> 00:10:06,693
What's that mean?

188
00:10:06,736 --> 00:10:08,999
Bottoms up,
from right to left.

189
00:10:10,218 --> 00:10:11,654
What about the prisoner?

190
00:10:11,698 --> 00:10:14,701
I told you,
we can't let Perkins go.

191
00:10:14,744 --> 00:10:17,094
And I told you,
his name's not Perkins.

192
00:10:17,138 --> 00:10:18,443
It's Goldberg.

193
00:10:18,487 --> 00:10:19,531
Sign it.

194
00:10:19,575 --> 00:10:20,707
Ah, come on, will ya?

195
00:10:20,750 --> 00:10:22,665
Your brain pan's dripping.

196
00:10:22,709 --> 00:10:24,798
It's your gung-holier-
than-thou attitude.

197
00:10:24,841 --> 00:10:26,713
Yeah, you'd do anything
for the cause.

198
00:10:26,756 --> 00:10:28,062
Remember the last
time you were here

199
00:10:28,105 --> 00:10:30,194
when you broke
your own arm?

200
00:10:32,109 --> 00:10:34,634
And you rigged that jeep so
you could run over yourself.

201
00:10:34,677 --> 00:10:35,852
[laughing]

202
00:10:35,896 --> 00:10:37,462
You're gonna kill yourself.

203
00:10:37,506 --> 00:10:38,812
If I have to.

204
00:10:38,855 --> 00:10:40,422
Hey, that's the spirit.

205
00:10:40,465 --> 00:10:41,989
Yeah, if we had
more men like you,

206
00:10:42,032 --> 00:10:44,078
we'd have less men like you.

207
00:10:44,121 --> 00:10:46,471
My orders are to do
whatever I have to

208
00:10:46,515 --> 00:10:48,299
to break up this
penicillin ring.

209
00:10:48,343 --> 00:10:50,562
I have written permission
to die in the attempt.

210
00:10:51,694 --> 00:10:53,478
Good luck.

211
00:10:53,522 --> 00:10:55,567
You don't know
there is a ring.

212
00:10:55,611 --> 00:10:57,221
We've gotta get
the truth first.

213
00:10:57,265 --> 00:10:58,875
You give me that kid
for one hour.

214
00:10:58,919 --> 00:11:00,572
I'll get the truth.

215
00:11:00,616 --> 00:11:02,705
Anybody can do that if you use
his fingernails for kindling

216
00:11:02,749 --> 00:11:04,533
and teach him to soft-shoe
with a cattle prod.

217
00:11:04,576 --> 00:11:06,622
Yeah, we kinda hoped
to talk to him.

218
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:08,189
Being amateurs at torture.

219
00:11:08,232 --> 00:11:09,886
Stick to medicine.

220
00:11:09,930 --> 00:11:12,759
Leave war to the
professionals.

221
00:11:12,802 --> 00:11:14,630
Stop by the hospital
before you go.

222
00:11:14,674 --> 00:11:16,850
You could use about
20 CCs of humanity.

223
00:11:25,728 --> 00:11:27,077
[clanging]

224
00:11:31,560 --> 00:11:33,214
Major Burns.

225
00:11:33,257 --> 00:11:34,606
You're--

226
00:11:34,650 --> 00:11:36,478
I know who I am.

227
00:11:36,521 --> 00:11:39,307
You can knock off, Major.
I'll guard the prisoner.

228
00:11:39,350 --> 00:11:40,874
Oh, but my orders are--

229
00:11:40,917 --> 00:11:43,572
The C.I.A. can supersede
anyone's orders.

230
00:11:43,615 --> 00:11:45,400
Except the President's,
of course.

231
00:11:45,443 --> 00:11:47,010
Give us time.

232
00:11:50,361 --> 00:11:52,059
Gonna give him
the business?

233
00:11:52,102 --> 00:11:55,584
It's not gonna
be pretty, Major.

234
00:11:55,627 --> 00:11:57,455
Well, what are
you gonna do?

235
00:11:57,499 --> 00:11:59,457
Tell me.
I can take it.

236
00:11:59,501 --> 00:12:02,634
I'd ask you to stay, Major,
but torture's top secret.

237
00:12:02,678 --> 00:12:04,158
Oh, I understand.

238
00:12:04,201 --> 00:12:06,377
You come up with
something good,

239
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:08,945
and then the other side
starts using it.

240
00:12:08,989 --> 00:12:10,686
You're my kind
of people, Major.

241
00:12:10,730 --> 00:12:12,166
[chuckling]
Well...

242
00:12:12,209 --> 00:12:13,950
I'll leave you
to your work.

243
00:12:13,994 --> 00:12:17,737
Uh, if I can ever
be of help, uh...

244
00:12:17,780 --> 00:12:20,478
if there's anyone I can
tell on, you know...

245
00:12:20,522 --> 00:12:22,002
Thank you, Major.

246
00:12:26,484 --> 00:12:28,008
Get up, punk.

247
00:12:37,060 --> 00:12:40,411
Now I'm only gonna
say this once.

248
00:12:42,109 --> 00:12:43,675
Get lost.

249
00:12:47,157 --> 00:12:48,506
Beat it.

250
00:12:51,248 --> 00:12:53,076
Take a powder.

251
00:12:56,558 --> 00:12:58,647
You're not gonna buy
one in the back.

252
00:12:58,690 --> 00:13:00,867
Frisk me. Come on.

253
00:14:16,464 --> 00:14:17,378
Ah!

254
00:15:11,998 --> 00:15:13,913
[yells]

255
00:15:21,007 --> 00:15:24,140
There's this one back here.
One here, and one over here.

256
00:15:24,184 --> 00:15:26,360
I believe it was the
Marquis de Sade who said,

257
00:15:26,403 --> 00:15:27,927
"You really know how
to hurt a person."

258
00:15:27,970 --> 00:15:29,493
You think I'd do
this to myself?

259
00:15:29,537 --> 00:15:30,973
We'll need a suture here.

260
00:15:31,017 --> 00:15:32,540
I think you'd go over
the Falls in a thimble.

261
00:15:32,583 --> 00:15:34,759
Novocain syringe.

262
00:15:34,803 --> 00:15:36,022
Hey!

263
00:15:36,065 --> 00:15:37,458
No drugs.

264
00:15:37,501 --> 00:15:39,460
A little Novocain
in your head.

265
00:15:39,503 --> 00:15:41,462
You'll never know
the difference.

266
00:15:41,505 --> 00:15:42,680
Negative.

267
00:15:42,724 --> 00:15:44,595
If I lose control,

268
00:15:44,639 --> 00:15:45,988
you guys don't have
the clearance

269
00:15:46,032 --> 00:15:47,337
to hear
what's in my head.

270
00:15:47,381 --> 00:15:49,426
I haven't got
the stomach for it.

271
00:15:49,470 --> 00:15:52,734
Just... do it, hmm?

272
00:15:52,777 --> 00:15:55,302
-You heard the manic.
-Right.

273
00:15:55,345 --> 00:15:58,696
Uh, the, uh, powder blue
thread, I think.

274
00:15:58,740 --> 00:16:01,743
Would you like it to say
"Home Sweet Home" or "Mother?"

275
00:16:01,786 --> 00:16:03,919
I don't think he's
ever had either one.

276
00:16:03,963 --> 00:16:07,705
I'll just put his initials.
C.I.A.: Crazy In the Army.

277
00:16:07,749 --> 00:16:09,577
You guys'll get yours.

278
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:11,274
Can we pick the nurse?

279
00:16:12,972 --> 00:16:14,886
You know, there's
something happening here

280
00:16:14,930 --> 00:16:16,366
I can't make out.

281
00:16:16,410 --> 00:16:18,325
Level with us, Flagg.

282
00:16:18,368 --> 00:16:20,501
That Perkins kid didn't do
all that damage to you.

283
00:16:20,544 --> 00:16:22,111
His name's not Perkins.

284
00:16:22,155 --> 00:16:24,157
-All right, Goldberg.
-I'm Goldberg.

285
00:16:26,246 --> 00:16:27,769
Gee, the next time
you come here,

286
00:16:27,812 --> 00:16:29,814
I wish you'd
pass out programs.

287
00:16:29,858 --> 00:16:31,947
All right, gift wrap him.

288
00:16:33,427 --> 00:16:35,255
You want something
for the pain?

289
00:16:35,298 --> 00:16:37,387
I mean, to increase it,
so you can really enjoy it.

290
00:16:37,431 --> 00:16:38,562
I'll finish this.

291
00:16:40,042 --> 00:16:42,131
This entire conversation
goes in your file.

292
00:16:42,175 --> 00:16:44,786
Sitting there, I've recorded
every word you guys said.

293
00:16:44,829 --> 00:16:46,875
You'll never guess where
he hid the microphone.

294
00:16:48,050 --> 00:16:49,312
Something's fishy.

295
00:16:49,356 --> 00:16:50,748
It's the red herrings.

296
00:16:52,968 --> 00:16:55,362
He's uh, quite a man,
isn't he?

297
00:16:55,405 --> 00:16:57,320
Who's quite a man, Frank?

298
00:16:57,364 --> 00:16:59,409
Colonel Flagg,
the C.I.A. guy.

299
00:16:59,453 --> 00:17:00,889
Hmm.

300
00:17:00,932 --> 00:17:03,935
Do you, uh,
find him attractive?

301
00:17:03,979 --> 00:17:05,285
He's all right.

302
00:17:05,328 --> 00:17:08,331
Uh. Well, if I were
a woman, I would.

303
00:17:08,375 --> 00:17:10,333
Do you often have
these fantasies, Frank?

304
00:17:10,377 --> 00:17:12,161
-What fantasies?
-About being a woman.

305
00:17:12,205 --> 00:17:13,902
-I never do.
-You just did.

306
00:17:13,945 --> 00:17:16,252
But, Margaret,
Margaret, darling,

307
00:17:16,296 --> 00:17:18,385
you know how jealous I get.

308
00:17:18,428 --> 00:17:19,690
[muttering]

309
00:17:19,734 --> 00:17:21,214
Frank, my hair
is very brittle.

310
00:17:21,257 --> 00:17:22,911
You can't keep kissing
the top of my head.

311
00:17:22,954 --> 00:17:24,521
You're going to give me
a crew cut.

312
00:17:24,565 --> 00:17:26,697
I'm sorry, darling.
I just want you to think

313
00:17:26,741 --> 00:17:28,221
I'm as manly as he is.

314
00:17:28,264 --> 00:17:30,136
I know just
how manly you are.

315
00:17:30,179 --> 00:17:31,833
-Sit, Frank.
-Yes, dear.

316
00:17:34,183 --> 00:17:35,706
How about one for the road?

317
00:17:35,750 --> 00:17:37,447
HAWKEYE:
To the Land of Nod.

318
00:17:38,883 --> 00:17:40,189
Thought you had a date.

319
00:17:40,233 --> 00:17:41,886
My mind's not on it.

320
00:17:41,930 --> 00:17:44,063
How about the rest
of your body?

321
00:17:44,106 --> 00:17:45,629
To the rest of my body.

322
00:17:45,673 --> 00:17:47,066
Long may it wave.

323
00:17:49,459 --> 00:17:51,505
I'd give anything to know
what Flagg is up to.

324
00:17:51,548 --> 00:17:53,768
-Or down to.
-Right.

325
00:17:53,811 --> 00:17:55,204
Sirs!

326
00:17:55,248 --> 00:17:57,250
Mother, you made
it to the fort.

327
00:17:57,293 --> 00:18:00,514
Someone's in the
supply room again.

328
00:18:00,557 --> 00:18:02,255
That kid never knows
when to give up.

329
00:18:02,298 --> 00:18:04,822
-Let's go.
-Right behind you, kemosabe.

330
00:18:14,571 --> 00:18:16,704
Shouldn't be too hard.
He's all taped up.

331
00:18:16,747 --> 00:18:18,097
What if he's
with his friends?

332
00:18:18,140 --> 00:18:19,533
It's okay.
So are we.

333
00:18:21,187 --> 00:18:22,579
God, it's dark in here.

334
00:18:22,623 --> 00:18:23,798
-I got him!
-Hey, okay.

335
00:18:23,841 --> 00:18:25,626
I got him!
I got him!

336
00:18:25,669 --> 00:18:27,454
KLINGER: Ow! Be careful!
You'll tear my blouse!

337
00:18:27,497 --> 00:18:29,108
[blows landing]

338
00:18:29,151 --> 00:18:30,718
[grunting, yelling,
scuffling]

339
00:18:30,761 --> 00:18:31,849
HAWKEYE:
Get out of the way!

340
00:18:31,893 --> 00:18:33,721
Dear me. My--

341
00:18:33,764 --> 00:18:34,939
-TRAPPER: Watch out!
-HAWKEYE: Ow!

342
00:18:34,983 --> 00:18:36,158
KLINGER:
I can't see anything!

343
00:18:36,202 --> 00:18:37,290
Somebody
turn on the light!

344
00:18:37,333 --> 00:18:38,900
-Dear--
-What's that?

345
00:18:38,943 --> 00:18:40,510
HAWKEYE:
What are you doing?
You hit me!

346
00:18:40,554 --> 00:18:41,642
KLINGER: Somebody.
I can't see!

347
00:18:41,685 --> 00:18:42,991
Get him! Get him!

348
00:18:45,863 --> 00:18:47,038
[grunting]

349
00:18:48,257 --> 00:18:50,085
Not too rough, boys.

350
00:18:50,129 --> 00:18:52,957
After all, he is
a man of the cloth.

351
00:18:53,001 --> 00:18:54,872
[grunt]
Come on.

352
00:19:00,313 --> 00:19:02,706
I suppose there's an official
explanation for this,

353
00:19:02,750 --> 00:19:04,186
in addition
to an honest one.

354
00:19:04,230 --> 00:19:06,710
It took three of
you to take me.

355
00:19:06,754 --> 00:19:08,103
Nice right cross,
Trapper.

356
00:19:08,147 --> 00:19:09,278
Any time.

357
00:19:09,322 --> 00:19:10,714
What's all the
commotion about?

358
00:19:10,758 --> 00:19:12,107
New wrinkle.

359
00:19:12,151 --> 00:19:14,153
We caught our friend here
stealing penicillin.

360
00:19:14,196 --> 00:19:16,329
-I don't believe it.
-Tell her, Captain Marvel.

361
00:19:16,372 --> 00:19:17,721
-Help me.
-My people need it for barter.

362
00:19:17,765 --> 00:19:20,071
They're desperate
for it up north,

363
00:19:20,115 --> 00:19:21,986
so we use it to
buy information.

364
00:19:22,030 --> 00:19:24,163
We use it to save lives.

365
00:19:24,206 --> 00:19:26,904
If I get information
that'll end a battle sooner

366
00:19:26,948 --> 00:19:28,906
or information
that'll avoid an ambush,

367
00:19:28,950 --> 00:19:30,517
I'll save more lives
than you will.

368
00:19:30,560 --> 00:19:32,301
Why don't you
just torture them?

369
00:19:32,345 --> 00:19:34,085
What did we send you
to school for?

370
00:19:39,700 --> 00:19:41,658
I'm checking his ribs.

371
00:19:41,702 --> 00:19:43,007
Shall we send out for sauce?

372
00:19:44,226 --> 00:19:46,402
Why are you
harassing the colonel?

373
00:19:46,446 --> 00:19:49,057
He's twice the man
either of you are.

374
00:19:49,100 --> 00:19:52,495
That makes him four times
the man the two of us are.

375
00:19:52,539 --> 00:19:54,497
He's C.I.A.

376
00:19:54,541 --> 00:19:57,500
I wouldn't care if he's C.O.D.

377
00:19:57,544 --> 00:19:58,762
Then we could refuse him.

378
00:19:58,806 --> 00:20:00,460
This isn't fun
and games, friends.

379
00:20:00,503 --> 00:20:01,983
There's a war
going on here.

380
00:20:02,026 --> 00:20:03,941
I sure hope my wife
doesn't find out.

381
00:20:05,421 --> 00:20:08,990
I'm leaving tomorrow
with the penicillin.

382
00:20:09,033 --> 00:20:10,470
Over my dead body.

383
00:20:12,298 --> 00:20:14,343
[chuckle] Let me put
that another way.

384
00:20:15,475 --> 00:20:16,606
Frank,

385
00:20:16,650 --> 00:20:18,608
how could you be
such a pea brain?

386
00:20:18,652 --> 00:20:20,871
Well, Flagg wanted
to get on with his torture,

387
00:20:20,915 --> 00:20:23,483
and, you know,
three's a crowd.

388
00:20:23,526 --> 00:20:25,615
Well, I'll not have
anyone tortured

389
00:20:25,659 --> 00:20:27,878
at the 4077th, Frank.

390
00:20:27,922 --> 00:20:29,445
We're a hospital!

391
00:20:29,489 --> 00:20:31,099
Well, we're also army.

392
00:20:31,142 --> 00:20:32,622
You're army!

393
00:20:32,666 --> 00:20:34,885
I bet if I cut you,
you'd bleed khaki.

394
00:20:34,929 --> 00:20:36,278
-[siren blares]
-And proud of it.

395
00:20:36,322 --> 00:20:38,280
Well, how proud are you
gonna be if I--

396
00:20:38,324 --> 00:20:39,890
[siren continues]

397
00:20:39,934 --> 00:20:41,283
How proud are you gonna be

398
00:20:41,327 --> 00:20:43,894
if I charge you with
deserting your post?

399
00:20:43,938 --> 00:20:46,549
Well, uh,
he ordered me to leave.

400
00:20:46,593 --> 00:20:48,638
He's a superior officer.

401
00:20:48,682 --> 00:20:51,598
He's a superior psycho.

402
00:20:51,641 --> 00:20:55,254
His head's so twisted,
he's got to screw his cap on.

403
00:20:55,297 --> 00:20:56,211
Radar!

404
00:20:57,343 --> 00:20:58,996
Perkins is back, Henry.

405
00:20:59,040 --> 00:21:01,390
-He's here?
-The M.P.s just brought him in.

406
00:21:04,045 --> 00:21:07,353
Colonel Blake, is this the man
caught stealing your supplies?

407
00:21:07,396 --> 00:21:09,616
That's him!
You oughta be flogged.

408
00:21:09,659 --> 00:21:11,270
What, are you with
the British Navy?

409
00:21:12,358 --> 00:21:13,663
His name's Johnson.

410
00:21:13,707 --> 00:21:16,013
He's a medic with
the 415th Infantry.

411
00:21:16,057 --> 00:21:18,364
Being a medic, son,
you should know better.

412
00:21:18,407 --> 00:21:22,063
Colonel, we're not taking
the supplies for ourselves.

413
00:21:22,106 --> 00:21:24,152
You see, rear echelon
is giving the stuff out

414
00:21:24,195 --> 00:21:26,502
with an eyedropper.

415
00:21:26,546 --> 00:21:29,940
But the more penicillin we
can get to the guys on the
front line who've been hit,

416
00:21:29,984 --> 00:21:31,377
the more of 'em
we can save.

417
00:21:31,420 --> 00:21:34,162
So sometimes we have
to steal what we need.

418
00:21:34,205 --> 00:21:36,338
It's either that,
or we use our own money

419
00:21:36,382 --> 00:21:39,515
to buy it from the States
or on the black market.

420
00:21:39,559 --> 00:21:41,387
That's illegal!

421
00:21:41,430 --> 00:21:43,954
As opposed to
the war?

422
00:21:43,998 --> 00:21:45,826
If you got all the
supplies you needed,

423
00:21:45,869 --> 00:21:47,697
we wouldn't have
anything to inventory.

424
00:21:47,741 --> 00:21:49,351
TRAPPER:
Good thinking, Frank.

425
00:21:49,395 --> 00:21:51,135
An Army travels
on its inventory.

426
00:21:51,179 --> 00:21:53,573
Before I return him
to his outfit,

427
00:21:53,616 --> 00:21:54,965
you wanna press
charges, sir?

428
00:21:55,009 --> 00:21:58,360
No, no, no, no.
I don't think so.

429
00:21:58,404 --> 00:22:00,057
Johnson, next time, ask.

430
00:22:00,101 --> 00:22:02,059
If we've got extra,
it's yours.

431
00:22:02,103 --> 00:22:03,409
Thank you, sir.

432
00:22:03,452 --> 00:22:05,193
Well, I hate to break up
this little tea party,

433
00:22:05,236 --> 00:22:06,586
but I'm certain
Colonel Flagg

434
00:22:06,629 --> 00:22:08,022
would like to talk
to the corporal here

435
00:22:08,065 --> 00:22:10,720
about his, uh, escape
and his assault on him.

436
00:22:10,764 --> 00:22:12,679
Oh, Frank,
that was a phony.

437
00:22:12,722 --> 00:22:14,420
Colonel Flagg, sir?

438
00:22:14,463 --> 00:22:16,596
He's the camp
self-abusement director.

439
00:22:17,814 --> 00:22:19,033
Uh, Doctors,

440
00:22:19,076 --> 00:22:20,948
why don't you see
to Colonel Flagg,

441
00:22:20,991 --> 00:22:23,254
while, uh, Johnson here
leaves the camp?

442
00:22:23,298 --> 00:22:24,821
I think we should arrange it

443
00:22:24,865 --> 00:22:26,823
so the colonel leaves us
alone indefinitely.

444
00:22:26,867 --> 00:22:28,651
Good idea.

445
00:22:28,695 --> 00:22:30,305
Yeah, why don't we
see how he's coming

446
00:22:30,349 --> 00:22:31,524
after his operation?

447
00:22:31,567 --> 00:22:32,655
What operation?

448
00:22:32,699 --> 00:22:34,222
Give us a minute.

449
00:22:42,143 --> 00:22:44,406
-Good morning, Captain.
-Colonel.

450
00:22:44,450 --> 00:22:46,190
Congratulations.

451
00:22:46,234 --> 00:22:49,280
I've decided not to have you
guys thrown out of the army.

452
00:22:49,324 --> 00:22:50,934
That's really hitting
below the belt.

453
00:22:50,978 --> 00:22:53,154
I've got the penicillin.
I'll settle for that.

454
00:22:53,197 --> 00:22:55,199
Well, all's fair
in love, et cetera.

455
00:22:55,243 --> 00:22:57,419
Hey, I wouldn't
eat the bacon.

456
00:22:57,463 --> 00:22:59,029
You'll spend a week
in the latrine.

457
00:22:59,073 --> 00:23:00,596
What about the sausage?

458
00:23:00,640 --> 00:23:01,815
Two weeks.

459
00:23:08,822 --> 00:23:10,171
Vitamins.

460
00:23:17,134 --> 00:23:19,049
There's not enough gas
in the Hindenburg

461
00:23:19,093 --> 00:23:21,138
-to put this guy under.
-I had to promise him,

462
00:23:21,182 --> 00:23:23,097
as soon as he went under,
we'd sew up his mouth.

463
00:23:23,140 --> 00:23:26,230
Is this really
on the up-and-up?

464
00:23:26,274 --> 00:23:29,364
Do I really have appendicitis?

465
00:23:29,408 --> 00:23:31,018
You felt the cramps.

466
00:23:31,061 --> 00:23:33,586
You practically
doubled over.

467
00:23:33,629 --> 00:23:36,545
Your whole side is inflamed.
Even your pistol was hot.

468
00:23:36,589 --> 00:23:38,634
Come on now.
Breathe deeply.

469
00:23:38,678 --> 00:23:40,854
-We've gotta open you up.
-[grunting]

470
00:23:40,897 --> 00:23:43,900
We'll close our eyes if we
find any undigested microfilm.

471
00:23:43,944 --> 00:23:47,251
You're gonna get that
long rest you need, Colonel.

472
00:23:48,601 --> 00:23:52,518
The sanitary
c-conditions here...

473
00:23:52,561 --> 00:23:54,433
We change the filth every day.

474
00:23:54,476 --> 00:23:58,741
If I get an infection...

475
00:23:58,785 --> 00:24:04,181
remember, I've got
plenty of penicillin.

476
00:24:04,225 --> 00:24:06,357
We've got plenty
of penicillin.

477
00:24:06,401 --> 00:24:07,881
And you've got
plenty of nothin'.

478
00:24:07,924 --> 00:24:09,143
Scalpel.

479
00:24:16,150 --> 00:24:18,500
Anything I can do for you?
Anything at all?

480
00:24:18,544 --> 00:24:19,675
I'm fine.

481
00:24:19,719 --> 00:24:20,720
Major.

482
00:24:20,763 --> 00:24:21,764
Excuse me, sir.

483
00:24:23,070 --> 00:24:24,680
It was a simple appendectomy.

484
00:24:24,724 --> 00:24:26,116
If your breath
gets any hotter,

485
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:27,378
you'll singe your chest.

486
00:24:27,422 --> 00:24:29,206
-I--
-Let's move along,

487
00:24:29,250 --> 00:24:30,338
shall we, Major?

488
00:24:33,210 --> 00:24:34,864
Don't eat the bacon, huh?

489
00:24:37,345 --> 00:24:38,955
What was in the coffee?

490
00:24:38,999 --> 00:24:40,522
Beans from Brazil.

491
00:24:40,566 --> 00:24:41,828
Saltpeter from Jersey.

492
00:24:41,871 --> 00:24:44,047
Uh, where's the penicillin?

493
00:24:44,091 --> 00:24:46,572
Most of it's hidden.
The rest is distributed

494
00:24:46,615 --> 00:24:48,574
in various rumps
around the room.

495
00:24:48,617 --> 00:24:50,532
And yours is next.

496
00:24:50,576 --> 00:24:52,186
The square needle, please.

497
00:24:57,452 --> 00:24:59,280
Look, he's all
red, white, and blue.

498
00:25:06,287 --> 00:25:08,419
♪♪ [theme]